I don’t understand…

…death.  I know it’s a guarantee in life, and that at one point or another, we will all go through the pain of losing someone we love.  But it just feels so unfair sometimes , doesn’t it?  Yesterday, here in Winnipeg, a 19 year old woman was driving across the Disraeli Bridge on what was a day of extreme winter conditions.  And after a series of events, spinning out of control, being hit from behind, she crashed into the guardrail of the bridge.  It failed her, and after teetering for a few moments, she went over and hit the ice below.  Throughout the day, there were reports of her leaving the scene in unstable condition, and being in apparent stable condition at the hospital.  So it was even more shocking when breaking news reported last night that she had died of her injuries.  How utterly unfair, right?

It reminds me that 5 years ago on March 1st, two of our best friends were killed in a highway accident just outside of Plum Coulee, MB.  The road conditions were bad, and they were heading home early before the worst of it hit.  They were on a major curve in the road, lost control and hit an oncoming milk truck.  The driver said he locked eyes with Eve as they approached, and that he’ll never forget the terrified look in her eyes.  I saw the car after, and it’s hard to believe that two people were ever in it. 

After the accident, I was obsessed with what happened in their final moments.  Every detail was important to me.  After all, it was the last moments of their life.  The idea of seeing something coming and knowing what’s about to happen is horrifying.  The idea that one morning you get an email from your friend, and that three hours later they are gone forever, is horrifying.  And seems so unfair to me.

It seems I can’t come to grips with death, and am shocked every single time it happens, as if it was the first.  After my Grandfather passed away 11 years ago, I remember thinking that death didn’t seem so scary anymore, knowing he’d be up there waiting for me.  I still feel that way, and the thought still comforts me… but I’m older now, and have seen terrible things happen to good people. 

Just had to get that off my chest.  Praying big time for the family of the girl on the bridge yesterday…

14 thoughts on “I don’t understand…

  1. Yes indeed..that accident yesterday was just horrible and so upsetting. We say we “pray” for those families who lose their loved ones so tragically like this, and also like your dear friends Brent and Eve, but I sometimes wonder why we are praying when it was He who took them in the first place? I don’t understand lots about my feelings towards death either. Or how to deal with the aftermath. But one thing is for sure is that we can all count on our family and friends for love and support and lots of hugs to get through life!!! Hugs to you, my sweet friend!!! x0x0

  2. that truly is a tragic story and I’m sorry for you.
    It is a timely reminder how dangerous driving can be, especially in bad weather. We take driving for granted but it really is a dangerous activity. Hopefully she will find her peace.

  3. I’m so sorry Tara. In tragic accidents like that it is so hard to understand and come to terms with a lot of times. I often find myself obsessed with those final moments too and hoping they found peace.

  4. It has taken me a VERY long time to get over death of loved ones…just these past two years, I feel like I am heeled and ready to move on and get out and function again. Prayers with you…it is very hard…praying you’ll have lots of peace…

  5. Oh Tara, I feel for you. The hurt and confusion you’re feeling comes across so clearly in your post. Thank you for your humility, and sincerity. It certainly shows another side of you. When I heard about that accident yesterday, and still today as newscasters relayed it once again on the radio, my eyes well with tears. It’s so hard to believe it actually happened right here in our backyard. She was so young too, and just a freak series of events that resulted in catastrophe. I’ll never understand why the Lord works the way He does, why some leave us so early while others remain to create unease and conflict for those around them. What I do know is that life is a gift, and that everyday is a new day to live, move and breath in a way that is a blessing to those around us. To not take anything for granted. To tell the people that I love with words that I love them. To not sweat the small stuff (and it’s mostly small stuff in the big scheme of things). And to cherish the days that I’ve been given. It’s one of the things that made PL so attractive to me. It’s an intentional way of noticing, recording, and focusing on all that we have, living with a grateful heart, and attitude. For the ‘bad’ that I don’t understand. I put it away in the back of my heart on my “questions for God list”. Dwelling on them changes nothing. Giving and receiving love through them changes me, and those around me, I hope. Big hugs to you as you continue to process the frailty of life. I’m so glad to know you my friend.

  6. My husband & I were discussing this accident last night– how terrible & scary!
    I agree that death sometimes seems terribly unfair, but knowing where I’ll be going when I die (Heaven) gives me peace.

  7. Oh Tara, I just came over here to thank you for your comment on my Project Life post, and now I see you are thinking about the same things that have been on my mind lately too. I am soooo sorry for the loss of your friends, and that accident that happened sounds awful. I lost my mom in a car crash last January and have had so many of the same thoughts as you. I don’t understand death. I worry about it far too much lately too. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs from another Studio Calico person.
    Michelle

  8. Hi Tara. I came over here from a sweet project life comment that you left on my blog (thank you!!) and this post stopped me in my tracks. 13 years ago, I was in a near fatal car accident (you can read about it here: http://katyat34.typepad.com/blog/2006/01/the_accident.html)
    I can tell you this – I have no memory of my accident. Witnesses, rescue workers, hospital staff – all have told me (when asked) about those horrible days, but I have no memory. So, I choose to believe this – that 19 year old girl, and your friends, felt and thought nothing but peace and calm in those final moments. Thank you, thank you, thank you for such a heartfelt post.

    1. Katrina, I can’t thank you enough for linking your story here. It’s amazing that you went through such trauma and are still here to tell the tale. I appreciate your words about my friends. I am certain that they didn’t feel a thing, and that they didn’t have enough time to fully process the magnitude of it before it happened. As for the girl on the bridge, what really hit me was that she teetered over the edge before falling the 45 feet. I cannot imagine what a terrifying moment that must have been, and I imagine it felt like a lifetime.
      Thank you again for stopping over here and leaving your comment and sharing your story of survival.

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